it happened so fast,
my life was okay
and then my whole body
was running nowhere inside me.
my life was okay
and then my whole body
was running nowhere inside me.
like coconuts frozen
while falling from a dying tree,
my brain was short-circuited and immobile,
and everything about me felt inedible.
while falling from a dying tree,
my brain was short-circuited and immobile,
and everything about me felt inedible.
you can't harvest fruit that doesn't reach the ground,
unless someone reaches up to find it.
unless someone reaches up to find it.
hello? can someone find me?
because i can't seem to do it.
because i can't seem to do it.
find me here, find me anywhere.
i just want to be gripped down to earth.
i just want to be gripped down to earth.
gripped, not groped, there's a difference.
the only thing i feel is a racing heartbeat
and a hand grabbing me
that my mind has already fragmented into nothing.
and a hand grabbing me
that my mind has already fragmented into nothing.
it was nothing.
it's easier that way.
it was nothing...
it's easier that way.
it was nothing...
it happened so fast.
my life was going okay,
and then it was like every mistake i made
revealed every single endless desert inside me.
and then it was like every mistake i made
revealed every single endless desert inside me.
hello? can someone find me?
in this wasteland of me, all i see is nothing.
in this wasteland of me, all i see is nothing.
talking about it doesn't reach me
it's like i'm drifting away
and every word i utter
sends me somewhere farther.
it's like i'm drifting away
and every word i utter
sends me somewhere farther.
it was nothing.
it's easier that way.
it's easier that way.
farther...
Context:
Years ago, I was walking home one night when a man approached me. I had my music in, and I wasn't paying much attention. I remember immediately thinking "oh shit" because I realized we were alone on the street together. I was wearing a skirt, and I appeared visibly as a trans woman at the time. He stepped right in front of me, and I remember first that he offered to pay me for sex. I said no. He then groped me. I don't remember much other than I was able to get away from him by walking around and into the street.
I refused to stop walking alone at night after that out of stubbornness, but it was also never the same. I felt so much anxiety afterward that if I talked about what had happened in public settings, people would tell me it wasn't a big deal or that I made it up.
That made talking about if feel worse than keeping it in.
After all, it was nothing...
another trust crisis #1 by Lyra McMahon