it happened so fast,
my life was okay,
and then my whole body
was running nowhere inside me.
my life was okay,
and then my whole body
was running nowhere inside me.
like coconuts frozen
while falling from a dying tree,
my brain was short-circuited and immobile,
and everything about me felt inedible.
while falling from a dying tree,
my brain was short-circuited and immobile,
and everything about me felt inedible.
you can't harvest fruit that doesn't reach the ground,
unless someone reaches up to find it.
unless someone reaches up to find it.
hello? can someone find me?
because i can't seem to do it.
because i can't seem to do it.
find me here, find me anywhere.
i just want to be gripped down to earth.
i just want to be gripped down to earth.
gripped, not groped, there's a difference.
the only thing i feel is a racing heartbeat
and a hand grabbing me
that my mind has already fragmented into nothing.
and a hand grabbing me
that my mind has already fragmented into nothing.
it was nothing.
it's easier that way.
it was nothing...
it's easier that way.
it was nothing...
it happened so fast.
my life was going okay,
and then it was like every mistake i made
revealed every single desert inside me.
and then it was like every mistake i made
revealed every single desert inside me.
hello? can someone find me?
in this wasteland of me, all i feel is nothing.
in this wasteland of me, all i feel is nothing.
talking about it doesn't reach me.
it's like i'm drifting away
and every word i utter
sends me somewhere farther.
it's like i'm drifting away
and every word i utter
sends me somewhere farther.
it was nothing.
it's easier that way.
it's easier that way.
farther...
Context:
Years ago, I was walking home at night when a man approached me. I had my music in, and I wasn't paying much attention. I remember immediately thinking "oh shit" because I realized we were alone on the street together. I was wearing a skirt, and I appeared visibly as a trans woman at the time. He stepped right in front of me, and I remember first that he offered to pay me for sex. I said no. He then groped me. I don't remember much other than I was able to get away from him by walking around and into the street.
I refused to stop walking alone at night after that out of stubbornness, but it was never quite the same. I felt so much anxiety afterward that if I talked about what had happened in public settings, people would tell me it wasn't a big deal or that I made it up.
That made talking about if feel worse than keeping it in.
After all, it was nothing...
To the Person This Is About:
I believe this person was likely intoxicated when he did this, and while that does not excuse his behavior, as an alcoholic myself, it allows me to view the situation differently. I hope he has the opportunity to pursue recovery, reflect on his actions, and build a better life, and that he makes changes so that he does not repeat this behavior with anyone else.
another trust crisis #1 by Lyra McMahon